A classic, old-style cliffhanger was the only way to describe the finale of the 14th season of ER.
Having an ambulance blown up by the Turkish mob because it held someone from the witness protection programme is about as cliched as it gets.
Surely there are enough people out in witness protection programme land on American television for them to make up a new state.
So just who from the regular cast was in the ambulance accompanying Steve Buscemi - sorry, Art, as is, or rather was, the dearly departed's name?
When I saw the noir movie star walk on to the ward and literally throw a wobbly, jumping on a hospital bed and hollering out that he was County Hospital's worst nightmare, before nosediving into the linoleum, sending hospital equipment a-flying, all I could think was: what's a nasty boy like you doing in a place like this?
Playing a rat-faced fink, that's what. Well, sort of, in his former unreformed life, Art was a bad egg and used to do things for the mob before seeing the error of his ways and turning state's evidence.
Living unhappily in another state with his disgruntled family, he made the mistake of coming back to his mother's funeral, where the mob caught up with him, bringing a new meaning to the expression bedside manner.
Greg Platt took the lion's share of ministering to Art as the patient and quack managed to bond in between sporadic attempts on Art's life.
A bogus relative built like a Russian bodyguard sauntered into A & E, found the ailing patient, quickly swished the curtain across and tried inserting something sharp into Art's jugular region.
Buscemi, who is already prone to looking thyroid in the eye area, popped his bulging peepers out even further, as Greg twigged to the furtive action behind the curtain and stopped the hit.
Just another hard day at the plant for Greg, who is so very happy because he has been made chief of emergency medicine, is in love with Bettina and picking out a ring from a travelling salesman over in reception.
Plus he has a big injection of sibling pride when his brother drops by to tell him he has been accepted into college.
Small wonder then that the scriptwriters have put the guy with the most to lose squarely in the picture in the ambulance hot seat.
Then there's his brother, last seen lurking around the ambulance bay as a possibility, and Nurse Samantha Taggart, who seems to be more in love with her new pillow friend, Tony Gates, than he is with her.
She hasn't had any drama since she had her big kidnapping scene, back a couple of series ago, and is no great shakes as a character.
When Art gets bundled into an ambulance by the Feds to get him and County out of harm's way, Sam and Greg argue nobly over who should ride with the cardiac- arresting Art to ensure he makes it.
Meanwhile Luka comes to his senses and realises he has to get over Abby's transgression with Moretti, who he has punched in the face.
Another, "I guess I deserved that" cliche which looked more slapstick in its execution than white hot cuckold's revenge. Add to the cliche list, Neela having to have a hate shag with a boorish doctor who prescribed a badly needed stand up, as she hastens to undo his tie and take off his shirt for a quickie.
Is there any need or time to take your clothes off in such an emergency?
The buildup to forgiveness was the best scene of the night, when no words were spoken as Luka drove Abby down to the garage to pick up her car and the camera focused on the estranged couple's clenched hands, particularly their wedding bands.
It's been a month since they began living apart and as Abby got out of the car she handed him a gazette of some description, not because of its content, but because it was paper signifying their one- year anniversary. Nice try.
But Luka is still as cold as a stethoscope and won't countenance the thought of rapprochement till one of his elderly terminal patients strikes home to him the meaning of marriage, to keep rowing the boat together through the rough waters.
As a squabble ensues as to who gets to ride in the ambulance, a stone's throw away Luka and Abby reunite by a still lake. All is forgiven and Abby, who has one of the great faces of television - it is warmth personified - tells Luka she cannot describe how much she loves him.
They kiss and there is mutual murmur of the heart as she agrees to give up her great job and relocate (to heaven?) to make a fresh start, then strolls contentedly back to work, thinking that all's right with her world.
The finale ends with the ambulance exploding and we are led to assume that Abby has managed to walk past the fire unharmed.
I hope so for she is the show's only pulse, the best thing in ER and without her what's the point of staying tuned for a 15th season? The show's already in danger of running longer than Days of Our Lives and General Hospital put together, so it should be Scrub-bed anyway.
But it's Shakespeare compared with the ghastly Grey's Anatomy. If only whey-faced Meredith had volunteered to ride in the ambulance.
*What did you think of the season finale of ER? Post your comments below.
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